Firstly, congratulations to Monica Akehurst. Your first article was excellent and I am so pleased that you will be a regular contributor.

Autumn is a wonderful time of year, especially when birds of different species gather together to start their trek to winter quarters. Crows seem to congregate in increasing numbers and it is interesting to note the different habitats and habits of the various members of the genus corvidae.

Having delved into this species I can reveal that not only are there hooded and carrion crows, but also rooks, ravens, jackdaws and choughs. Imagine my surprise on learning via Twitter that a new member of this family has emerged out of the blue – namely the Corbyn.

Now this apparently is a strange bird with some even stranger habits. It can only fly left handed, often in ever decreasing circles and has been known to disappear up its own chough. Further, it has developed the tendency to emulate the cuckoo. It has an awful lot of nonsense to crow about and at the drop of a hat would be happy to rook anything from a larger established and more prominent species.

I have laboured over this research for several minutes and a conservative estimate is that given liberal amounts of air time the Corbyn will eventually become extinct. Nature is to disorder as democracy is to the House of Commons!

Management and I had a wonderful holiday in Crete which despite being part of Greece seems to have a climate both political and weather wise far removed from that depicted on the mainland.

The whole island is calm, the children are all well dressed, stray cats and dogs do not exist and everybody seems very happy with their situation. The food was exceptionally good and the local wine was only six euros per litre which you nearly got used to after a week or so. Lambing was about to start and the ewes and goats were being fed a boost of whole maize – this being spread along the roads to minimise waste.

I did an inspection with the local trading standards officer and noted the sheep were healthy and some even had ear tags. Our first week was extremely hot and dry and looking at the enclosures one wondered how the animals survived in the summer. The next week we endured a storm such as I had never seen before and within two days you could see the grass emerging between the rocks. As I have often quoted before, if it wasn’t for the weather and politicians, agriculture would be the greatest job on earth.

Given that there is a battle going on concerning the Tories’ intention to cut tax credits, I find it particularly annoying that the media roll out the usual array of single mothers who have never been married or had a partner and who are unable to make ends meet. Now it is patently obvious to me that at some stage they did make ends meet – hence the children.

Why on earth should we tax payers be expected to finance these people when they hadn’t got the brains to invest in some decent knicker elastic? We are developing a society where nobody needs to have responsibility for their own actions – the state will pay. Why is it that children under the age of 16 years cannot be named “for legal reasons” to face up to the crimes they have committed? Their parents should be held to account.

A note to David Cameron, who is far too busy trying to make himself look like a statesman. 1) Charge all foreign commercial vehicles a toll at port of entry. 2) Have number identification cameras at port of exit. 3) Impose a maximum golden goodbye payment to redundant civil servants and retrieve the lot if they step through the revolving door. 4) Return proven criminals to their country of origin. 5) Make it illegal for lawyers to solicit for business. 6) When you have finished with the telephone number for Baroness Mone of Mayfair I have several mates who could make good use of it.

P.S. Just had bacon for breakfast which is a relief. I can now poison the foxes with Tesco’s finest smoked value, two for one, with added water and also cease to worry about the asbestos in our roof.

If all it takes for a scientist to perpetuate his existence is to regularly spout a load of rubbish then I am surely in line to make a fortune. I might even buy an iPhone on the proceeds.